Not always do you get what you want....A saying heard and said way too often...But little did i know that i'd learn it in a way never thought before........
As the British say .."It was raining cats ans dogs outdoors ...bt there was some sort of serene warmth within..Rather the warmth came from the smell of fresh rain over parched and thirsty soil......There's something so heavenly about rain and "moms hot pakodas" down your gut.......Black umbrellas formed a canopy in front of my house and under all this was this kid...sailing paper boats......and desire came swift!!!.......I wasn't very familiar with how to go about making one...so i asked an elder...to be precise my uncle......the one who stole my childhood without reasoning.....well, we'll come to that in a moment....as for now he obliged..BUT WITH ONE CONDITION.....a kiss.....somehow my innocence couldn't hide his intentions...and before i knew he was all over me.....taking joy in the fact that there was none to stop........NOT EVEN ME....or his conscience for that matter...!!!.....I WAS 3 THEN.....
From then on vacations at my grand-dada's place were never the same....By the time i was 10 there were 4 of them....using the same modus operandi....
They'd become a regular at home....My parents enjoyed their company...bt i dint...little did they know .....and how would they ???....i was scared....of wat???.........why was i scared of telling dada???....there's no use asking these....cause i've been through these over n over n over...for over 15 yrs...!!!......and yet i have no answers....its not as if i was told or threatened for that matter....I JUS DINT....
Somehow that young ,I dint react to these happenings.....Infact i was fond of the attention i was getting..... Sometimes i awaited their coming.....quiet eagerly though.....even to an extent that i set the bed once.........Dint know how traumatic this memory would get once understanding crept in.......as traumatic as, you scared of your own dad when your mom wasnt around.......my own bloody dad....who loved me more than the world could offer.......
I slept every night going through every moment.....every single freaking moment......tearing alone...i remember everything...rather chose to remember everything...tried blocking but all went in vain.....do you what that is for 15yrs???.....trying to figure out what wrong i did??......wasn't i supposed to be protected??.....by my dad or mom......maybe twas not their fault.......but god???.....he wasnt there???.......they say god gives just enough trouble that one can handle.........but what justifies a horrendous act on a 3 yr old......he thinks she can handle it???.........
My dreams aka nightmares were of this one girl....screaming ...rather trying to scream and somehow she's lost her vocals.......she's trying and trying and trying and guess what she's not succeeded....or this girl lying bare naked and everyone she knows is around her.......I get up to these to date.....I'm 24 now....
I knows its not my fault....i've heard it like a million times....but that somehow doesn't seem to help me.....i know i cant change but need to move on.......but how???......when i can see them living lives so joyous.....so not regretful.....with children of their own.....it'd take me moments to shatter their lives as well......shatter every dream they have of their family........why should they lead a life so peacefully while all i live with is grief and hatred...
Were they meant to happen??..Were they accidental??..Too many accidents!!!.....Were they just some bad dream that i think really happened???........What positives can i take off these???..........All i really want is 3 yr old's well deserved happiness back.....that innocence and naive sense.........that security with my own wonderful father....... my dada....
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