I'm writing this for almost all the wrong reasons........



If the pastor who baptized me were still alive, he’d likely say a prayer for me, and wonder where things went wrong. Not only am I still not acting "appropriate" at service, but I’ve spent my adult life(22) mucking around with some pretty sinful topics: I’ve studied one-night stands, incest, homicidal fantasies, and man’s hatred for his fellow man. Goodness, I could even publish a couple of papers suggesting that going to church may be just another mating strategy.


Most people think my M.O(modus operandi) for a great post with a lot of hits is: Pick a topic that is normally not even whispered about in polite company, and shine a big spotlight on it.And there's no denying it.

But today is different.Its about this one person who i attribute most of my life to.Its her "empowering" me to be ME, and hoping that one day i might inspire someone the way she inspired me.Its about the phenomenon OPRAH WINFREY.

Oprah Winfrey is a shining example of a strong woman bootstrapping herself, making choices, committing herself to them and moving forward. That lady stuck her flag in a particular hill a long time ago and I say, “Brava!”.For this, no doubt, I will have more scorn heaped upon me by someone, and you know what? That’s okay, too! Not fun, but okay, so long as we stay away from the bodily harm threats .........

Let me tell you an almost "cinderella" story ,about a girl.She was beautiful.The apple of her fathers eye.Had a mother who loved her to worlds end.But she had step sisters.Lots of them, in the form of sexual abusers.Who killed the person she could have been everytime,everyday.She did everything she could to "fit-in".Just as cinderella had to wash,clean and scrub to be accepted ; she kept quite about her abuse,smiled and laughed the hardest.Never showing signs,but little did she know that in the process she stopped believing in "happily ever after".Then one day there came a fairy-god-mother(oprah winfrey),who liberated her from all the guilt and shame she was carrying all these years.Who gave her the strength to stand up and speak.And told her that it wasn't her fault.She let her understand why she attracted the people she did,and why she dealt with suppressed anger all her life and why she made a "STEP-MOM" out of her MOTHER for she did not protect her.This cinderella killed her father,for he wasn't around to beat the bad guys.And for a long time kissed a lot of frogs(today's very different).

Oprah winfrey changed this cinderella's life by simply making her realise her worth,so what if she made a little moolah in the bargain.Yes, she maybe flaunts a bit too much, but every now and then she never forgets her roots. Rags to Riches. Yes, consumerism and spiritualism can co-exist. Maybe I should not put it that way and should put it this way...God wants us to be successful, have abundant lives, be happy. There's nothing sinful of becoming rich, unless you have done it against the Book of Law. She showed it. Believe and you shall receive.She made people relate to the stories she shared and never shied showing emotion.She made people no longer look for how someone is different and in what way they can change themselves so that they are loved and noticed, but for the ways in which they are the same, and what they’re here to teach . Or atleast try.

My strong reaction to anything is something to examine. (After a bit of a cooling-down period. Remember, the end of this trajectory am I not at. Thank you, Yoda.)When a person puts themselves out there to be judged some people aren’t going to like him/her. And I think that’s a good thing.

Oprah is doing her thing. I am doing my thing. You, I hope, are doing your thing.

It would be nice if we could all start with that one area of overlap and wish each other well. But no matter what, I’m done converting. Hate on Oprah—or me, if you like. From now on, I’m taking it as a sign that I’ve finally stuck my flag on a hill where it can be seen…(And for the record:Oprah is cool,in a dorky way,yet still cool)

Like the real world in the twitter realm there is an obvious struggle by tweeters to carefully define the type of twitter personality they want to become. Though it sounds rather petty and perhaps oversimplified, given a month or so each person settles in a comfortable tweet zone. As a "noob" to twitterville in order to attain a perfectly balanced timeline I suppose you would want to follow different twitter personalities in order to get a taste of what twitter is really about. If you are a seasoned twitter user then you are perhaps already aware of the kinds of users your want to follow.....

1)The Vixen- Her twitter picture/ avatar will be of her "sexiest" body parts or may include a picture of her face giving the most seductive look she could come with after many a take in her mirror pictures. She may also have a name like @MisBigBooty_69 and a twitter bio that is so provocative you feel almost guilty reading it. The vixen's tweets hardly ever contain anything edifying but is sure to give you your "money's worth" on Titty Tuesday, Thong Thursday or Twitter After Dark.

2)The Jest- Their aim is simple. "I must make you laugh!" At the expense of the readers you may witness the growth of a genuinely funny tweeter, a corny tweeter or a simply annoying tweeter. The jest may start out with original material and is then fueled to attack fellow twitter users tweets in order to get a joke and a couple new followers.

3)The Techie Geek: He or she gets excited at the prospect of a new gadget, ap, site etc. And is often ideal in getting an informed opinion about just about anything technology related.

4)News Junkies: Journalist, News hubs, lawyers etc. will occasionally post news items as soon as they happen or are published. Current affairs and informed opinions on them are to be expected.

5)The Attention seeker: He/She does just about anything to get new followers. "Accidentally" post controversial tweets and pictures. He/she may steal other person's material and post it as their own. He/she is not afraid to get into a twitter fight and ensure that she retweets all the action so her/his timeline gets front row seats for the action. There is never a dull moment with this user. But watch out the drama may become annoying after a while.

6)The "whoops I thought this was an msn group chat" Tweeter: He/she will flood your timeline with conversations that you can not follow. Not only will they mention random information. He/she may also go as far as mentioning names of persons who are not on twittter. Random tweets of "Lol" or "I can't believe Sally just said that to me" are to be expected.

7)The Lyricists: When words fail and no opinions can be formulated. This user will flood the time line with #nowplaying #nowwatching and will quote movie lines and songs constantly.

8)Promoters: This seems to be a growing breed. Everyone seems to have a person, party, song, product, fragrance or blog to promote.

9)Corporate Tweeters: All tweets will be professional and business related. However the masters of the Corporate tweeting game will ensure that they are not only interactive but utilize twitter to ensure that they increase interest in their business. They try to answer each person personally and not with an auto response feature. The TRUE master of the corporate twitter game keeps up to date with twitter trends and see how best they can promote their product without coming across as pompous.

10)The Spoofers: They create mock accounts of celebrities, famous media personalities, characters from shows. The most recent spoofer that raised a brow or two was the @BronxZoosCobra who has over 200,000 followers and whose most recent achievement included hacking "American Idol" host, Ryan Seacrest's Twitter account on April Fool's Day. Be sure to check if your celebrity's account is a verified twitter account before you click that follow button. Unless of course you are in for a few laughs and don't mind who is behind the spoof.

11)Team Follow Back: He/she will tweet but will encourage you to retweet his/her tweets or will mention a bunch of other users who are sure to follow you back. Their sole purpose it seems is to have "total twitter domination" *insert evil giggle here* hmmmm but from my observation it seems to be a competition to see how many persons they can get to follow. What do you do when you have all the twitter users though? Tweets of substance would be nice while we wait for your so called domination -_-

12)Social Tweeters: They tweet about the highlights of their day, they will comment on tv shows, new music, new products... just about anything that tickles their fancy. Highly opinionated, naturally funny and never makes desperate pleas for new followers.

13)Celebrities: My favorites in this category are: @AngelaSimmons @OfficialKimora @tyrabanks @ladygaga @rihanna @NICKIMINAJ @kanyewest @charliesheen

I for one fluctuate at varied frequencies between "Attention-Seeker", "News-Junkie" and "Social Tweeters".Though i do want to land up in the "Celebrity".No no!!;Not as a soft-porn actress(Vixen like; strappy undies et al),more as a erotic novelist winning a Booker.More my thing,and Spoofers are welcome.....

Just as much as i hate showers...I LOVE weddings!!!....and almost everything to do with them...from the dress to the flowers to the length of the train to the colour themes... JUST EVERYTHING!!!..
I've been planning mine ever since i was 10.... YES YES... 12 years of planning my "BIG DAY"...if I'm fortunate enough i might have a lot of those coming(at least 3)!!!...I get a rush going through(read:secretly going through) online catalogues for wedding gowns....Jimmy Choo's and decors...I've even planned my 7 course dinner menu!!!!....O.C.D it is!!!...Guilty as charged!!!...For all i know, I'll have 3 weddings,2 divorces,couple of baby showers(my own),70 more birthdays(if the world doesn't end in 2012),thousand odd "first-kisses"...BUT ONE DEATH!!!!...JUST FREAKING ONE!!!....Doesn't that make you think..??? JUST ONE!!!!........
So now, I'm planning my funeral party. Don't roll your eyes. It makes perfect sense...I don't know whether I'll have a wedding or even live till one...I might just be another case of "always a bridesmaid,never a bride"...A meteor might hit me tomorrow...Alien invasion(OK, i went too far)...whatever it be,I'm sure one day, i shall never wake up!!!.....So I've decided not to invest my energy in anything I can't be certain about. That's why I think planning a funeral party is the coolest, most constructive thing you can do with your time. ..
Okie,Pause and think about it(if your not convinced yet)...Will i ever get married??Don't know.Will i make babies or be alive or have eggs to make them?? Don't know.. Will i find "THE ONE" i want to make these babies with?? Where the eff are you??......Will I be a best-selling author? No clue. Will I win the Booker? Oh, God, please? Will I be alive for my next birthday? Hope so. Will I die? Sure!!!..So there. I'm just being smart and planning the one party I know I'm going to have...You might as well follow my lead, or die without a "go-away-in-style" party,as will be mine!!!......
So here are some of the things I need done and I'm leaving the job of carrying them out to anyone who's reading this.. :

#1)Venue : Ideally I'd want a castle...Something fairytale-ish...But since I'm not in Edinburgh and my chances of dying there are nearly impossible..i shall not take my chances..Don't want you'll going through all that hassle either way...So maybe a beautiful back-yard...Or garden..Any place Green and fresh...You could save on the extra flowers... And please,I beg you...NO church or HOME..or any place closed...Cant have people crowding around me and suffocating me... Place me in the centre(heart) of this open place..Done? Brilliant. Now, step back and give everyone room to breathe, please.

#2)Casket : I'm scared to death(ironically) about being buried alive...it gives me the creeps and everything that comes along with it...So please be a 100% sure I'm DEAD..I'd suggest you donate my organs etc,which will make it pretty clear(NOBLE that i am,might reach heaven after all)...Okie,So once you've made SURE I'm DEAD..I'd want a super lovely Coffin(read:a princess' bedroom like dreamy and comfortable)...Also I'd like them "Environmentally friendly" or Eco-coffins(GO GREEN IT IS)...I'd prefer one made from Ivory but wouldn't mind rose-wood or pine-wood for that matter...I also want it custom-made and not from some whole-sale dealer..a designer so to say...One should not compromise with the upholstery and padding...I want nothing less than Genuine Leather and expensive foam cushioning...And make it off-white....I need to "stand-out" after all...Remember to equip my casket with the top-of-the-line I-Phone ,and dont forget to install the latest version of Angry-Birds(just in case)...

#3)Death Care : In most cases the hospital does it after declaring me dead(please check)...But i don't trust those nuts ever...So when I'm brought back home i need a thorough shower and exfoliation..I don't want to be washed/bathed by anyone I know. ...NO husband/boyfriend(having seen it all)...No mother(please!!!...even if she makes it till then)..Instead, get a totally random person and pay them to do it. I don't want anyone I know, seeing me naked when I'm dead. It's just too weird....Use a nice smelling shower gel(preferably "imported")...Also use only LOreal shampoo and conditioner for my hair...Blow dry it giving my hair lots of volume...If I've been balding ,I'd like hair extensions to gimme that volume...I'd also like some soft curls adding texture...I need to be exfoliated with St'Ives Apricot scrub...Also keep the make minimalistic..hate looking caked!!!..but a lip gloss and fake eyelashes are a must!!!

#4)Attire : This is my favorite bit!!!...It involves years of meticulously planning my wedding gown...and hoping that's not what i wear to my funeral!!!!...I'm also highly concerned about my relatives stuffing my nostrils with cotton..Grrr. This is hugely disturbing, as I always imagined myself lying elegantly in the coffin,Sleeping beauty style....So yes..No cotton...And once I'm all cleaned and blow dried i'd like some of my Calvin Klein deodorant and LaCoaste perfume...And dress me in an elegantly drappy gown... i don't want it heavy layered or embroidered...Also, no veil or tiara.. Just because I'm wearing a wedding dress, doesn't mean I should wear the veil or tiara... I'm dead, not married...And please don't forget to make me wear the nicest pair of white,super high heeled(IMP!!!) Jimmy Choo's(which by then shall hopefully be a part of my closet)...Once the dress and shoes are in place and I'm looking lovely as ever...get my present boyfriend Mr.B(god knows who by then,...maybe even "THE ONE")to click some lovely pictures of me...he can make magic out of them...so please hunt him down!!!!

I'd like everyone dressed Las Vegas style...So, keep up with it...And nothing even remotely similar to what I'd be wearing...

#5)Flowers :I want flowers all over the place...And i mean everywhere...except hiding my shoes and dress etc...and please no wreaths,just cause they're associated with funeral that doesn't mean u aimlessly throw them around..i want all these to be placed neatly around my casket...Also,I'd like only tulips!!!..Mind u!!!..No red roses etc!!!....they're tacky!!!...they're not even romantic for crying out loud...Daisy's are also a great option,but try sticking to Tulips...Pick one colour and stick to it... This is my funeral, not botanical gardens... Also, if anyone brings garlands , feel free to beat him up...

#6)Music :During the mass i want someone at the piano..playing something soothing...but at the party its rock and roll all the way...Lets keep to slower tracks though....Also, make sure you never hand the mic to my relatives. They will sing 'Showers of Blessing' and kill me all over again. I've heard that song all my life... In school, in the family, everywhere. And now, my relatives have made it the family song. Why? "Because it's the only song everyone knows" *Eye roll* So they sing it for all occasions - weddings, birthdays, betrothals, anniversaries, golden jubilees, funerals, when somebody gets a car, job, dog, you get the drift. It's just not fair that the song haunts me at my funeral too....

#7)Food and Beverages:Since its so classy themed...I want nothing but Champagne at my funeral...So, Champagne fountain it is...I also don't want widgets standing around it or making a long queue..Remember ,ITS MY DAY!!!...Also,only appetisers shall be served esp "pigs in a blanket" and "bruschetta"..they're my favourite,I know they don't spell funeral food...But whom am i kidding??..Please refrain from indulging in some overeating!!!...Its not a wedding...And its not even free...I expect you'll to pay for it after-all...And if some drunk loser tries to "steal my thunder"..Bury him in the same grave without a party!!!..

#8)My Will: I'm hoping to be to somewhere close to being ridiculously rich by then...So most(all) should go to my children(if I'm able to make babies by then)...Also keep "HIM" away from my riches ,for all i know "HE" might land up with someone at my funeral itself...
And most importantly who inherits my SHOES!!!...If I've made it big by then i want them auctioned at the Christis ...Nothing short!!!..Else i want my daugther/sister to museum them!!!....My wardrobe can go to the poor though(Tilted Halo)...

#9)General Instructions :I know a lot of people would think I'd like to be remembered as a happy person and not want anyone crying at my funeral...Firstly,i give you all the authority to beat him up!!!..Yeah, I'm not like that. Please make sure you cry. And cry rivers.. Don't start wailing and annoying the neighbours, i want it done in style!!!...If anyone get out of control you're allowed to crack jokes ,but please refrain from "that what she said" or "In bed" kinda jokes...It should be funny stuff that I said and did or funny incidents from my life. Please keep the focus on me. It's my day. Also, I'd like speeches. ..During the party, if anyone talks about "Kathy would want us all to move on", please slap them. Kathy never said anything like that... Kathy wants you all to miss her... And bad enough for her absence to leave a gaping hole in your heart... Forever Everlasting...
And please don't make my parents lift a finger for my funeral..They've spent enough educating me and trying to keep me"SAFE"..I'd like them to sit back and enjoy the party, for once... If they tear up, please remind them that I was not a great daughter to begin with. At this point, one of my relatives will pitch in and add her 200 cents as well.... Feel free to make fun of her in any way you can - appearance, accent, grammar, weight, anything....
When the party's over, go home and write about how much you miss me on my Facebook wall. Everyday(almost)...Also not to forget twitter or any social networking site by then...I'd heard G+ is climbing in popularity charts..So keep yourself updated!!!..And finally stop gifting me Pigs and Cows on online farms and inviting me to play "Angry Birds"...Once and for all...