Just as much as i hate showers...I LOVE weddings!!!....and almost everything to do with them...from the dress to the flowers to the length of the train to the colour themes... JUST EVERYTHING!!!..
I've been planning mine ever since i was 10.... YES YES... 12 years of planning my "BIG DAY"...if I'm fortunate enough i might have a lot of those coming(at least 3)!!!...I get a rush going through(read:secretly going through) online catalogues for wedding gowns....Jimmy Choo's and decors...I've even planned my 7 course dinner menu!!!!....O.C.D it is!!!...Guilty as charged!!!...For all i know, I'll have 3 weddings,2 divorces,couple of baby showers(my own),70 more birthdays(if the world doesn't end in 2012),thousand odd "first-kisses"...BUT ONE DEATH!!!!...JUST FREAKING ONE!!!....Doesn't that make you think..??? JUST ONE!!!!........
So now, I'm planning my funeral party. Don't roll your eyes. It makes perfect sense...I don't know whether I'll have a wedding or even live till one...I might just be another case of "always a bridesmaid,never a bride"...A meteor might hit me tomorrow...Alien invasion(OK, i went too far)...whatever it be,I'm sure one day, i shall never wake up!!!.....So I've decided not to invest my energy in anything I can't be certain about. That's why I think planning a funeral party is the coolest, most constructive thing you can do with your time. ..
Okie,Pause and think about it(if your not convinced yet)...Will i ever get married??Don't know.Will i make babies or be alive or have eggs to make them?? Don't know.. Will i find "THE ONE" i want to make these babies with?? Where the eff are you??......Will I be a best-selling author? No clue. Will I win the Booker? Oh, God, please? Will I be alive for my next birthday? Hope so. Will I die? Sure!!!..So there. I'm just being smart and planning the one party I know I'm going to have...You might as well follow my lead, or die without a "go-away-in-style" party,as will be mine!!!......
So here are some of the things I need done and I'm leaving the job of carrying them out to anyone who's reading this.. :
#1)Venue : Ideally I'd want a castle...Something fairytale-ish...But since I'm not in Edinburgh and my chances of dying there are nearly impossible..i shall not take my chances..Don't want you'll going through all that hassle either way...So maybe a beautiful back-yard...Or garden..Any place Green and fresh...You could save on the extra flowers... And please,I beg you...NO church or HOME..or any place closed...Cant have people crowding around me and suffocating me... Place me in the centre(heart) of this open place..Done? Brilliant. Now, step back and give everyone room to breathe, please.
#2)Casket : I'm scared to death(ironically) about being buried alive...it gives me the creeps and everything that comes along with it...So please be a 100% sure I'm DEAD..I'd suggest you donate my organs etc,which will make it pretty clear(NOBLE that i am,might reach heaven after all)...Okie,So once you've made SURE I'm DEAD..I'd want a super lovely Coffin(read:a princess' bedroom like dreamy and comfortable)...Also I'd like them "Environmentally friendly" or Eco-coffins(GO GREEN IT IS)...I'd prefer one made from Ivory but wouldn't mind rose-wood or pine-wood for that matter...I also want it custom-made and not from some whole-sale dealer..a designer so to say...One should not compromise with the upholstery and padding...I want nothing less than Genuine Leather and expensive foam cushioning...And make it off-white....I need to "stand-out" after all...Remember to equip my casket with the top-of-the-line I-Phone ,and dont forget to install the latest version of Angry-Birds(just in case)...
#3)Death Care : In most cases the hospital does it after declaring me dead(please check)...But i don't trust those nuts ever...So when I'm brought back home i need a thorough shower and exfoliation..I don't want to be washed/bathed by anyone I know. ...NO husband/boyfriend(having seen it all)...No mother(please!!!...even if she makes it till then)..Instead, get a totally random person and pay them to do it. I don't want anyone I know, seeing me naked when I'm dead. It's just too weird....Use a nice smelling shower gel(preferably "imported")...Also use only LOreal shampoo and conditioner for my hair...Blow dry it giving my hair lots of volume...If I've been balding ,I'd like hair extensions to gimme that volume...I'd also like some soft curls adding texture...I need to be exfoliated with St'Ives Apricot scrub...Also keep the make minimalistic..hate looking caked!!!..but a lip gloss and fake eyelashes are a must!!!
#4)Attire : This is my favorite bit!!!...It involves years of meticulously planning my wedding gown...and hoping that's not what i wear to my funeral!!!!...I'm also highly concerned about my relatives stuffing my nostrils with cotton..Grrr. This is hugely disturbing, as I always imagined myself lying elegantly in the coffin,Sleeping beauty style....So yes..No cotton...And once I'm all cleaned and blow dried i'd like some of my Calvin Klein deodorant and LaCoaste perfume...And dress me in an elegantly drappy gown... i don't want it heavy layered or embroidered...Also, no veil or tiara.. Just because I'm wearing a wedding dress, doesn't mean I should wear the veil or tiara... I'm dead, not married...And please don't forget to make me wear the nicest pair of white,super high heeled(IMP!!!) Jimmy Choo's(which by then shall hopefully be a part of my closet)...Once the dress and shoes are in place and I'm looking lovely as ever...get my present boyfriend Mr.B(god knows who by then,...maybe even "THE ONE")to click some lovely pictures of me...he can make magic out of them...so please hunt him down!!!!
I'd like everyone dressed Las Vegas style...So, keep up with it...And nothing even remotely similar to what I'd be wearing...
#5)Flowers :I want flowers all over the place...And i mean everywhere...except hiding my shoes and dress etc...and please no wreaths,just cause they're associated with funeral that doesn't mean u aimlessly throw them around..i want all these to be placed neatly around my casket...Also,I'd like only tulips!!!..Mind u!!!..No red roses etc!!!....they're tacky!!!...they're not even romantic for crying out loud...Daisy's are also a great option,but try sticking to Tulips...Pick one colour and stick to it... This is my funeral, not botanical gardens... Also, if anyone brings garlands , feel free to beat him up...
#6)Music :During the mass i want someone at the piano..playing something soothing...but at the party its rock and roll all the way...Lets keep to slower tracks though....Also, make sure you never hand the mic to my relatives. They will sing 'Showers of Blessing' and kill me all over again. I've heard that song all my life... In school, in the family, everywhere. And now, my relatives have made it the family song. Why? "Because it's the only song everyone knows" *Eye roll* So they sing it for all occasions - weddings, birthdays, betrothals, anniversaries, golden jubilees, funerals, when somebody gets a car, job, dog, you get the drift. It's just not fair that the song haunts me at my funeral too....
#7)Food and Beverages:Since its so classy themed...I want nothing but Champagne at my funeral...So, Champagne fountain it is...I also don't want widgets standing around it or making a long queue..Remember ,ITS MY DAY!!!...Also,only appetisers shall be served esp "pigs in a blanket" and "bruschetta"..they're my favourite,I know they don't spell funeral food...But whom am i kidding??..Please refrain from indulging in some overeating!!!...Its not a wedding...And its not even free...I expect you'll to pay for it after-all...And if some drunk loser tries to "steal my thunder"..Bury him in the same grave without a party!!!..
#8)My Will: I'm hoping to be to somewhere close to being ridiculously rich by then...So most(all) should go to my children(if I'm able to make babies by then)...Also keep "HIM" away from my riches ,for all i know "HE" might land up with someone at my funeral itself...
And most importantly who inherits my SHOES!!!...If I've made it big by then i want them auctioned at the Christis ...Nothing short!!!..Else i want my daugther/sister to museum them!!!....My wardrobe can go to the poor though(Tilted Halo)...
#9)General Instructions :I know a lot of people would think I'd like to be remembered as a happy person and not want anyone crying at my funeral...Firstly,i give you all the authority to beat him up!!!..Yeah, I'm not like that. Please make sure you cry. And cry rivers.. Don't start wailing and annoying the neighbours, i want it done in style!!!...If anyone get out of control you're allowed to crack jokes ,but please refrain from "that what she said" or "In bed" kinda jokes...It should be funny stuff that I said and did or funny incidents from my life. Please keep the focus on me. It's my day. Also, I'd like speeches. ..During the party, if anyone talks about "Kathy would want us all to move on", please slap them. Kathy never said anything like that... Kathy wants you all to miss her... And bad enough for her absence to leave a gaping hole in your heart... Forever Everlasting...
And please don't make my parents lift a finger for my funeral..They've spent enough educating me and trying to keep me"SAFE"..I'd like them to sit back and enjoy the party, for once... If they tear up, please remind them that I was not a great daughter to begin with. At this point, one of my relatives will pitch in and add her 200 cents as well.... Feel free to make fun of her in any way you can - appearance, accent, grammar, weight, anything....
When the party's over, go home and write about how much you miss me on my Facebook wall. Everyday(almost)...Also not to forget twitter or any social networking site by then...I'd heard G+ is climbing in popularity charts..So keep yourself updated!!!..And finally stop gifting me Pigs and Cows on online farms and inviting me to play "Angry Birds"...Once and for all...
I know you would delete this, but its good. really good.
@jivesh : i wouldnt delete it for the world!!!...thanks a ton!!!...means a lot coming from you........
Interesting but All I want to do when I die is decompose. Its a good read it would have been more interesting if you had written a story around this. Like if had built a suspense and then revealed the climax.
It comes across as strong and bold. Death is always a tricky subject to write on anyways. Good job.
@kalveer : See, thats why i need you around...the suspense could have been a great story...sheesh!!!....bt then i wouldnt be able to add all the details i needed(relatives singing etc).....and ,thank you my love.....
Can't believe you had so much to write about this. Not bad at all.
P.S #9)- It's supposed to be "you're" not "your allowed to crack jokes".... sorry I had to.
@adeesh : *take a bow* .......and i corrected(JERK!!!)....
itz craaaaazy..humourous..juz d way yo writing shud b..n so it is..n wil mk sure tat evry1 cries der eyes ot..ya i'l get som guy wit greek god luks 2 get u cleaned up.. lol
n sure i'l write on yo FB wal daily tat 'i miss u'..but wat if reply comes??!!! heheee :D
@shwez: yeah greek god luks wudnt help... cause i'd wanna be alive and throw him on the floor while still naked...get someone with the sex-appeal of a cockroach!!!!...thank u....
Good one!!
@Rakesh: Thank u....
hay good one kathy,it was humorous but u forgot about postmortem ....!!!